Sunday, 26 January 2020

quiet as a fox,

I painted the fox and chickadee above in 2010, for our grand daughters nursery.This fox had many adventures in all the stories that Gracie and created.
We sat in the rocker and off we would go.
The  autism has given our Gracie a memory that is amazing, she never forgets and can retell every story we created.
Word for word.
I had to be on my toes because she would correct me if I strayed from the original tale.
Where did the time go.

Gracie loves to take photos and in this photo above she said Nana look at the camera, she said No Nana, I’m over here follow  my voice.
It was so funny, 
I’m over two weeks in on the medication, we know now that small changes are happening but I’m afraid to speak the words for fear I’ll jinx myself.
I’m not a superstitious person but I’m going forward cautiously.
The side effects remain,
 no not chest hairs I’m pleased to say,
Thank heavens! 
 but they’ve put me on yet another pill and it’s really helping the sickness.
I’ve never been one to take pills but I’m trying to be compliant.
One improvement is the stuttering, my brain injury caused stuttering at times ,  worse when I was tired .
I’m not an overly chatty person , I am a quiet person I suppose you would say, I am a good listener, but I had become even less chatty with the brain injury, my family of course found ways to make the stuttering amusing at most times , to lighten the mood, not in a mean way and Garry and Gracie were always there to take up the conversation when I couldn’t  find my words.
I know I drove poor computer helper Siri crazy , any voice recognition program on computer or phone sometimes interpreted my words in very creative way at times. 
Always an adventure.
So things are looking up,   far less stuttering , just still a bit of a pause when I speak. It was a coping mechanism habit and it seems to be staying  with me.
I still spend most of the night wandering around in the darkness, insomnia is my new companion.
You see I never think to turn the lights on to make tea or do what ever, because let’s face it,, 
lights don’t help.
and it still startles  family when they come into the kitchen at night to find me sitting in the dark, 
Boo !
They say I’m silent as a fox.
Hopefully that will all change.
Always a fox.
Thank you everyone for your well wishes.
We’re going to be away for a few weeks and no computers will be accessible so I will talk to you all when we return.

Friday, 24 January 2020

The one where I complain a lot.

 Gracie having fun.
Fox tracks and ten year old human tracks 
(I love how Gracie typed in human tracks )
 Dirty snow.
 More dirty snow, side walk to school. 
 Clean snow where the spruce 🌲 grow. 
 Squirrel food , 
Book box on our street.
Anyone who wishes may take a book and leave a book.
The city has cut down and removed our snow banks but it’s already building up again. Huge dump trucks of snow are removed from our cities streets several times every winter then taken to large fields on the outskirts of town.Tons of snow in mountainous formations that won’t melt until the end of June.
When we think of snow many of us  think of white fluffy mounds but in reality city snow is not that way for very long. The tons of sand required daily to keep the streets safe dirty the snow , exhaust dirties the snow.
Country snow is much cleaner. 
Gracie made this post possible , she took the photos and labeled them.
Bless her heart.
Commenting on everyone’s blog posts is difficult, without sounding like a complete idiot,
I can’t see anyone’s photos  so I get my info if not from the post it’s self from comments. I gain as much info as I’m able then try and comment. 
Most often I sound vague and ridiculous I’m sure. 
Am I adjusting or am I still fighting this every step of the way, 
Oh my, 
I don’t know , I’m just not sure.
The days are seem endless and there seems to be no mark where one day ends and the other begins, 
they all run into each other .
I’m sorry to complain.
I’m bored out of my skull, 
the decrepit defective skull it is. 
Insomnia is the strongest side effect so far so my day starts early . 
I come out to the living room sometime during night / morning and make a nest in the big cosy recliner and listen to book on  CD , listen to the fireplace crackle, sometimes doze in and out. 
my mind never stops.
Another side effect. 
I don’t want to wake Garry so I wait till 7 then put the kettle on and  then spend the day puttering and thinking. 
I think too much.
I’m now 12 days in of over whelming nausea that comes in waves pulling me under a smothering weight of blackness. 
That’s where the crackers help.
They say this will pass .
They say a lot of things.
 Gravol would help but knocks me out which might be actually a blessing but if my eyes return to working order I want to be awake and fully present the minute it happens.
I keep imagining the happening in my mind, where I’ll be, what I’m doing, I envision it so clearly.
I’m willing it to be.
The smell of everything at the moment is so strong, Garry brought shopping in yesterday and although I was in the other room I could smell each item as he unloaded them. Coffee, celery, bread, apples, it’s so weird. We buy a lot of items unpackaged or in paper sacs, or in our cotton sacks so smells have no barrier and some smells are not so pleasant. The cheese he bought yesterday almost made me revisit breakfast and not in a good way.
Gracie said I have my spider senses working.
Out of the mouths of babes. 
Just so you don’t think I’m a complete complaining crab 
It’s not all bad, 
Not a chest hair to be seen as of yet and I would know, I’m quite a hairless creature, never needed to shave legs or under arms, what is there is very blonde and sparse so the appearance of black stubble will be quite obvious. 
I won’t miss it , well I probably will but hopefully others will alert me.
Garry quite generously has assured me I can share his shaving foam and razor if time comes.

Wednesday, 22 January 2020

As evening falls,

This time last year I was painting red fox.
 I only had partial vision in my left eye by last year this time but it was clear and true. My right eye went completely blind several years past but I managed quite well.
We adapt to what we have.
Work with what we have.
I’m hoping my vision will return to the point I had last year.
I find myself obsessing over the success of this new medicine, I try not to let it happen but it does. We sometimes are our own worst enemy. Trying to let the cards fall where they may has never come easy to me, I’ll fight those cards and try to bend them to my will.
When our bodies betray us we learn humility and with that we must learn patience. Sometimes I’m a slow learner.
I’ve painted many fox. Not as many fox as I’ve painted owls but quite a few.  Sometimes when doodling if I let my thoughts wander a fox may find it’s way to my paper, as if by magic they come alive from the touch of my pen. 
Fox in the wild are timid creatures that will become quite trusting given time. Fiercely loyal  parents they take great care in hiding their young moving their den to different locations at the slightest sign of predators.
They creep about as silent as a breeze, rather not to be seen but the faint yips and squeals of the young fox kits can be heard if dens are close. The mother communicates with them with high pitched yips and  squeal  , the young return the call or stay silent by her command.
We have a number of fox around our property and see brief glimpses often. They leave their tracks daily.
Hated by farmers the fox will kill a whole hen house of chickens in one night given the opportunity.
Our daughter had a beautiful red fox visiting nightly, circling the perimeter of their fence , hoping to gain access to the chickens , turkeys and geese.
The fox then went to the bird feeders to eat suet , seeds and any crusts Kelly put out slipping away as quiet as it approached, poof, gone. 
My son-in-law set up a wild life camera and the beauty was found out , a young healthy female. This is the third year a fox has visited nightly and they are quite certain it’s the same fox.
The foxes are safe on our land , we mean them no harm.
Enough about foxes, I have bored you I’m certain .
It’s almost 6 o’clock evening has fallen, it’s still day light! We’ve not had day light this early in many many weeks.
Its usually dark by 4:30 .
Spring is not in sight but it is whisper on the wind! 
Hope springs eternal! 
Thank you all for your kind words on my last post, I apologies for long winded posts, I’m not able to write in my journal and dictating to my blog has become a sort of journal. 
Very boring posts, so I try not to say publish when finished each day lol,, 
I just have to be careful which posts get published, we lead very quiet days, except when our grand girls are here then all manner of crazy takes place.
Take care my friends. 
Thanks again. 

Monday, 20 January 2020

Blue Monday.

The third Monday in the month of January has been called Blue Monday here in the North of Canada.
The lack of sunshine, the short day light hours, the mountains of snow that seems to never end.
It can become depressing, 
On our local news tonight they gave tips on ways to avoid slipping into the dreaded Blue Monday blues.
Personally I’ve not been aware of this phenomenon.
I know about cabin fever, 
when it storms for days on end , 
when the snow drifts are past your hips and the wood shed seems further away everyday,
When the darkness hours exceed the day light hours.
When even the dog has lost his spark to race like a mad crazy pup in the snow after any chipmunk or squirrel that may peek its nose out of hibernation.
When the last puzzle piece has been placed and thought of another makes you sigh in totally lack of interest.
When city has used up all the storage areas for the mountains of snow they must remove weekly to keep our streets open.
You have arrived.
That’s cabin fever.
I painted the fox above for Paint Party Friday a few years ago in the midst of a cabin fever episode.
My photographer Gracie took this, at ten years old she says she has found her calling.
I had lost the vision in my right eye at that point and my left eye was half gone.
I’m hoping the magic pills they’ve given me will decrease enough inflammation in my brain to allow my left eye to return to at least the point where I painted this.
My eyes are perfectly healthy, the message isn’t processing in my brain properly.
Sometimes the side effects we are blessed with when taking these magic pills can be worse than the condition they try to repair.
Muscles like Arnold Swartzenager , a hairy chest, insomnia , 
I’ll risk it.
I will be able to paint all night long with my muscle bound arms and stay warm with my possible hairy chest.
I could do without the hairy chest.

Sunday, 19 January 2020

As time passes by,

It’s cold.
It’s windy.
A blizzard blows as I sit looking out.
I am not alone.

 We’re in town , 
for now with all the tedious life things that get in the way of really living life . Appointments, tests, errands.

 My grand girlies are here today, Gracie is taking the photos.
Such a fine job she has done.
We drink milky sweet tea from china cups and eat warm toasted cinnamon raisin bread  in my bed watching the snow blow outside our window. The quilts and bony knees beneath become mountains and valleys with dinosaurs and barbies living out adventures of danger and courage played out all in the warmth of my bed.
The salt lamps place around the room casting a volcanic atmosphere to our girlies delight, clever papa. 
Passing time , precious memory making times.
The tales of adventure will soon take place back where we belong.
Back where the spruce trees grow.
Spring will come and all  will be new and refreshed , new growth, new home , lots of new but my much  loved old chair will be waiting.
Just a few more months and we will be back where we belong permanently, no more town.
For now just passing time in the good company of my very most favourite humans and several 
 no , 
make that many dinosaurs and barbies of course there must be barbies creating tale after tale of intrigue and danger all within the confines of my comfy bed.
We need a bigger bed! 

Monday, 6 January 2020

just beyond the stars ,

A blizzard is blowing strong outside as I dictate this post.
A raging storm which is matching the emotions in our family.
Garry’s mother passed away Saturday.
She became ill in the Autumn as summer turned to Fall, slowly becoming more ill each week.
 Many  appointments, more  uncertainties, confusing results, possibly mistakes made.
It would be found she had quite advanced Leukaemia, but found too late. 
She’s gone, it’s so very very sad.
The family was called to the intensive care unit of our hospital in the early hours. There would be no returning, she was at her end.
So hard to see someone struggle to breath, steps taken to make her more comfortable, tubes and apparatus removed.
Let nature take its course.
My heart aches for the family, four daughters and two sons she brought into this world, all a spitting image of her.
They’ve felt the loss death brings when their father died a few years ago but nothing could prepare them for this passing.

A gifted woman that was accomplished at so many things.
A hard working farm woman who never turned away from what needed to be done.
A quiet strong woman that loved animals.
I don’t feel I ever knew her well, she had four daughters and I suppose that position was well filled before I came along but I truly respected her.
I sat and watched as the grief lay upon this family, laying heavier on some more so than others or maybe that was just on the outside. We hold so much grief in our heart and this is a family of quiet reserved people. I know the pain is there, I can feel it in the room.
My own tears fall freely.
Better out than in.
I remember my own mothers passing as if it was yesterday and I know that there are no words to help right now.
Just time.
My mother’s death was the first death I experienced so intimately.
I was crushed by her death but would learn so much also.
Death changes us that are left behind.
I’m not the same person I was those years ago, I’ll never be that me again.
Hearts are hurting right now but life goes on.
Gracie said it best last night she said,
“ We will see Gramma again, she’s just beyond the stars now “.